Tonight I stopped at 7-11 on my way home.  It’s my usual 7-11, I stop there frequently in order to keep my Diet Coke stamina in peak performance.  The guys behind the counter know me and are really nice.  It’s in a busy little shopping center with a nice restaurant next door.

This afternoon I had a photo shoot for an indie film I’m doing that’s is in it’s final stages of post-production.  The cast got together to shoot shots for the poster.  It was after dark by the time I got to the store.

I went to stand in line to pay for my dinner (Stouffer’s mac ‘n cheese, I live the high life) when I could feel the person standing behind me in line.  FEEL them as in, he or she was standing way too close.  I glanced behind me and it was, in fact, a very large man who was staring at me intently. 

I get stared at a fair amount.  I hate it, because my social anxiety immediately assumes I must have ink on my face or toilet paper stuck to my shoe.  But it’s also something I’m somewhat used to.

This was different.  This was a very large man, standing way too close to me and staring.

I paid for my stuff and beat it out of there quickly, and as I got in my car I could see he was following me out of the store, very quickly. 

I was scared.  In that moment, I felt incredibly, horribly vulnerable.  It was the parking lot of a busy shopping center, but it was dark and all I could think was “Jesus, he’s coming after me.”  I slammed the car door and locked it.  He walked right up to my car window and stared at me, even as I pulled out of the spot and started to drive away.

He never said a word. Just stared. And followed me.

It was genuinely terrifying.  And it got me thinking about how vulnerable you can be, just because you’re a woman.  Sure, men get mugged and the like all the time.  But how many men have felt genuinely threatened by someone.  And how often?

I can tell you, that’s not the first time something like that has happened to me.  This was definitely a very extreme example, where I genuinely felt fear.  But every time I’m in an empty parking garage, every time I take a walk in the dark…I wonder.  I wonder if I’m truly safe.

Do men have to wonder that?  I’m genuinely curious.  If a man is walking to his car alone in a dark parking lot, does he get nervous and quicken his step?  Does he position his keys so they could be used as a stabbing weapon if needed?  Does he vigilantly check the dark corners and give them a wide berth?

I would say, generally, that they don’t.  I’m pretty sure most of them don’t think about it.

How nice that must be.

I pride myself on being a very capable person.  I take care of myself, I’m an accomplished producer.  I’m a good leader, I get things done.  I’ve been through hell and back in my life and come out on the other side.  I’m strong.

And all it took was a few minutes in the presence of one man at a convenience store for all that strength and power to go right out the window.  I was afraid. 

And I fucking hate it.